Surviving a Codependent Relationship with a Narcissist: My Journey to Healing

The pain was undeniable. It was a heartache that transcended emotional turmoil and manifested as physical agony. I found myself trapped and addicted to a codependent relationship with a narcissist, a situation that felt inescapable. But among the heavy manipulation, blaming me for the fall of our relationship along with his infidelity, gaslighting, stone walling, deameaning words, I knew deep down that I had to find a way out and heal.

So, I excused myself from the relationship.

My journey through this ordeal was marked by resilience, self-discovery, and the unwavering support of trusted friends and family. In this article, I will share the steps I took to regain my sense of self, drawing upon medical facts and trusted psychological research to shed light on the path to recovery.

Acknowledging the Pain:

The pain was real, both emotionally and physically, but recognizing it was crucial for my recovery.

Acknowledgment was the first step. I had to accept that I was in immense emotional distress, which was affecting me physically as well. I often felt lost, my chest felt hot and my heart rate was bounding faster than my normal average. Anxiety attacks frequently visited me, along with flashbacks of abusive encounters.

For years, I endured relentless intimidation from my abuser. They would get right in my face, pointing out my every failure, punching the wall inches from my ear, and insisting that my brain “doesn’t remember things correctly.” Even after being unfaithful, they coldly told me I “didn’t deserve any more apologies.”

Psychological research has long established the link between emotional stress and physical health. Chronic stress can lead to a host of medical issues, including an increased risk of heart disease, compromised immune function, and even chronic pain (American Psychological Association, 2020).

The initial and most essential step on my journey was facing the immense agony I was going through. It was a very tangible pain, one that struck deep within my heart, especially physically, but understanding and acknowledging it became the cornerstone of my path to healing.

Cutting Off Contact:

This was incredibly challenging, especially when the pain was insurmountably fresh, but it was a crucial move for my healing.

To break free from the toxic cycle, I made the difficult decision to block the narcissist from all forms of contact indefinitely. This may seem daunting, especially when the pain is still fresh, but research on codependent relationships suggests that disengaging from the abuser is a crucial step in the healing process (Lancer, 2018).

I was extremely hesitant at first because of thoughts that maybe he will apologize, or finally tell me what I needed to hear. Some form of closure, perhaps. He was once a “nice guy” after all, and we had good memories and experiences together, right?

I frequently indulged in daydreams where he would reappear in my life, arrive at my doorstep with an engagement ring, on a bent knee, and be the person I had once envisioned him to be. These fantasies revolved around the hope of us building a blissful life together.

I knew I was raising false hopes for myself, and I needed to stay grounded in reality.

The logical part of me knew keeping an open line for my abuser was not conducive to my healing process, and I should sit in reality that he would not make any type of effort I was seeking. My closure was that I was alive, in one piece, even though I felt utterly broken and defeated. This was, at the moment, a “good enough” solution for me.

Therapeutic Support: Seeking professional help was pivotal to my psychological and emotional well-being.

I found a therapist who practiced Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). CBT helps individuals identify and change negative thought patterns and behaviors, while DBT focuses on emotional regulation and interpersonal effectiveness (Mayo Clinic, 2019). These therapies provided me with valuable tools to navigate the emotional turmoil.

Although my therapist and I revisited many hurtful memories from my childhood as well as the codependent relationship I was involved in, we worked through the emotions and self-defeating thoughts. My therapist helped me sort through many difficult notions such as feelings of abandonment and why I was fearful of ending an unhealthy relationship, for example. He helped me establish a more positive thought process that included acceptance of past traumas that I could not fix, and instead focusing on self-security, assuredness, self-respect, confidence, discovery, mindfulness, and gratefulness.

Establishing a Routine:

Rebuilding my daily living activities was tantamount to feeling a sense of a normal daily existence.

Creating a daily schedule was my way of simulating “normalcy” until I could genuinely feel it. This routine included basic self-care activities like showering and eating healthy regularly. Studies show that routine and structure can be therapeutic, helping individuals regain a sense of control and stability (Spagnola & Fiese, 2007).

After leaving my abuser, I felt like an empty, aimless shell in agonizing pain. I carried the emotional pain stemming from heartache, which manifested into physical pain in my chest. I could not even begin to map out activities of daily living, instead felt like an out-of-place piece of the puzzle, stumbling through the dark.

To regain a sense of normalcy, I created a daily schedule. I quite literally, wrote a list to follow that helped raised my endorphins every time I checked them off. Simple tasks like brushing my teeth, showering, and making breakfast became anchors in my day. Work and outdoor activities like hiking provided structure and purpose.

I felt proud to be standing on my own two feet, and living again.

Prioritizing Physical Health and Wellness:

Eating healthily, practicing self-care, and recognizing that physical health plays a significant role in emotional well-being.

Nutrition and physical activity have a direct impact on mental well-being, as they influence neurotransmitter levels and overall mood (Harvard Health Publishing, 2018). Taking care of my physical health was an integral part of my healing process.

While I found myself trapped in a relentless cycle of depression, anxiety, and negative thoughts, I sought solace in overindulging in baked sweets and processed foods. My ex frequently criticized me, asserting that I no longer resembled the girl he had once fallen in love with. He would make disparaging comments about my lack of effort in dressing up for him, yet he would also complain when I did make an attempt, accusing me of seeking attention from other men.

Several years of enduring this verbal abuse, along with a barrage of other negative remarks, created a profoundly demotivating atmosphere. Love, care, and kindness had vanished from our relationship. It was disheartening to be with someone who incessantly nitpicked my homemaking, appearance, culinary skills, and much more.

The transformation towards adopting healthy eating habits, embracing physical fitness, and prioritizing self-care became my bridge from depression and anxiety to a place of profound self-worth and positivity.

I learned over a period of time that I liked Mediterranean cuisine, which gave me the nutrition and flavors I required to fuel my physical activities. Feeding my body with great, wholesome foods coupled with enjoyable physical activities revived my soul, and presented me with a more fulfilling lifestyle.

Self-Discovery through Hobbies:

Nature became my sanctuary.

I spent time fostering a connection with my body, and embarked on solo hikes and outdoor adventures with friends, rediscovering the joy of life.

To rediscover my identity outside of the toxic relationship, I dedicated time to hobbies, especially those in nature. Hiking, both alone and with friends, became a source of solace and self-discovery. Nature-based activities have been shown to reduce stress and promote emotional well-being (Frontiers Psych, 2017).

Spending time in nature boosted my mood by reducing stress, increasing exposure to natural light, promoting physical activity, and fostering a sense of connection with the natural world, all of which contribute to my enhanced mental well-being. The sense of connection to the natural world combats isolation and encourages mindfulness. Additionally, the aesthetic beauty of nature and the psychological restoration it offers provide emotional upliftment.

Addressing Childhood Traumas:

I delved into my childhood traumas, understanding why breaking the bond with the narcissist was so challenging. This self-reflection was painful but vital.

Understanding the root of my codependency was essential. I embarked on a journey of self-reflection and worked with my therapist to address childhood traumas that had contributed to my struggles. Research indicates unresolved past traumas can impact adult relationships (NIH, 2005).

Delving into my childhood traumas and understanding their connection to my struggles in breaking the bond with the narcissist was a painful yet essential part of my healing journey. Childhood traumas often lay the foundation for our adult relationships and behaviors. They shape our beliefs about ourselves, our worth, and what we accept from others.

In my case, exploring these traumas revealed that I had deep-seated issues related to self-esteem, boundaries, and the need for external validation. This self-reflection made me realize that the codependent dynamic with the narcissist mirrored patterns from my past, where I may have sought validation and approval to compensate for unresolved childhood wounds. Recognizing this connection allowed me to confront my past pain and work towards healing those wounds.

While the process was emotionally challenging, it was essential for breaking free from the toxic relationship. Understanding the roots of my codependency empowered me to rebuild my self-worth and develop healthier boundaries. It became the cornerstone of my journey towards self-discovery and my path to liberation.

Journaling and Mantras:

Writing became my sanctuary.

I maintained a journal to document my feelings and explore their origins. Additionally, I crafted daily mantras like “I am worthy of a healthy relationship” to rewire my thought patterns. Research suggests that self-affirmations can enhance self-esteem and resilience (Sherman et al., 2009).

The daily practice of repeating positive affirmations was a powerful tool in my healing process. These affirmations became like a lifeline, offering me strength and a sense of security during a period of profound emotional turbulence. In the midst of self-doubt and the aftermath of a codependent relationship, these affirmations served as beacons of hope.

They reminded me that I possessed the inner strength to overcome adversity and the resilience to rebuild my life. Each affirmation reinforced the idea that I was worthy of a healthy and loving relationship, that I held kindness within me, and that being in my own company was not just normal but a source of power.

Furthermore, these repetitive mantras played a pivotal role in helping me solidify my trust in myself. In the aftermath of a narcissistic relationship, trust, especially in one’s own judgment, can be shattered. The act of daily affirmation gradually rebuilt my self-trust. It allowed me to counteract the negative narratives that the narcissist had instilled in me, one such as “who’s going to want you after me?”

Through repetition, these affirmations became etched in my mind, gradually replacing self-doubt with self-assurance. Over time, I began to believe in these affirmations at a profound level, and they became a guiding force in my journey toward self-love, self-reliance, and a renewed sense of self-worth.

Mindfulness Practices:

My newfound assurance in mindfulness, meditation, and yoga.

The incorporation of meditation and yoga into my daily routine marked a transformative phase in my healing journey. These practices became important to my life, primarily because they played a large role in fostering mindfulness and emotional regulation. Through meditation, I learned to center myself in the present moment, allowing me to detach from the overwhelming thoughts and emotions that had plagued me during the codependent relationship.

This newfound mindfulness became a tool for managing anxiety and emotional turmoil, enabling me to respond to challenges with greater clarity and composure.

Scientific evidence further reinforced the significance of meditation and yoga in my healing process. Research, such as the study conducted by Keng et al. in 2011, highlighted the effectiveness of these practices in reducing anxiety and depression. This empirical validation gave me confidence that my commitment to meditation and yoga was not merely a subjective belief but a scientifically supported strategy for improving my mental well-being.

Knowing that these practices had a proven track record in helping individuals like me regain control over their emotional states fueled my dedication to incorporating them into my daily routine. Through meditation and yoga, I not only found inner peace and emotional balance but also gained assurance in the scientific foundation of my chosen path to healing.

The Power of Support:

Throughout this journey, I leaned on those who never left my side.

On a deeply personal note, the unwavering support I received from my loving family and close friends were an indispensable lifeline during this challenging journey of healing. Their presence, love, kindness, and understanding became the bedrock upon which I rebuilt my sense of self and my shattered confidence. During moments when I felt lost or overwhelmed, they were there to offer a comforting embrace or a listening ear.

Their willingness to stand by me, even in my most vulnerable moments, filled me with a profound sense of gratitude and reassurance.

In my experience, the research findings emphasizing the significance of a strong support system, such as Cohen’s work in 2004, were not just academic facts but poignant truths. My family and friends formed a safety net, catching me when I stumbled and helping me regain my footing. They reminded me that I was not alone in my struggle, that I was valued and loved for who I was, and that there were people who believed in my ability to heal and thrive once again. Their unwavering support not only mended my wounded spirit but also served as a testament to the power of human connection in times of adversity. Their presence was, and continues to be, a precious gift that I treasure dearly on my journey to renewed mental health and self-discovery.

It was only a matter of time…

Surviving a codependent relationship with a narcissist is a harrowing journey, but it is possible. By acknowledging the pain, seeking professional help, establishing healthy routines, and prioritizing physical and mental well-being, it was only a matter of time until I was free and able to be myself again. The truth is this: even though I went through what I did, I came out not as a failure. It was as if I was charcoal that over time, through so much pressure, and hardship became a diamond.

You are too.