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Leaving a narcissistic relationship feels like finally breaking free, but when children are involved, the abuse often doesn’t end—it changes form. As a 40-year-old single mom, I believed I’d left my narcissistic ex-husband and the abuse behind. But because our kids are minors, he still finds ways to control and manipulate the situation.
One of the hardest things I’ve had to face is how my ex uses our children as weapons, refusing contact between us and isolating them from me. He stonewalls me, refusing to communicate unless it benefits him, and often threatens me if I don’t comply with his demands.
If you’re going through something similar, know that you’re not alone. Co-parenting with a narcissist feels like walking through a never-ending battlefield. Here’s my story, the signs and symptoms of narcissistic abuse I’ve dealt with, and how I’ve learned to protect myself and my children.
Signs of Narcissistic Abuse During Co-Parenting
After leaving the relationship, narcissists often use co-parenting as an extension of their control. For me, the abuse evolved into more covert, insidious forms. Here are the tactics my ex-husband uses and what you might experience if you’re co-parenting with a narcissist.
1. Stonewalling and Withholding Communication: My ex-husband’s stonewalling is one of the most exhausting tactics I’ve faced. He refuses to communicate when it comes to decisions about the kids, especially when I need critical information. He leaves messages unanswered, ignores emails, and only responds when he has something to gain. When I try to have a productive conversation about co-parenting, I’m met with silence.
Stonewalling isn’t just frustrating; it’s a form of emotional abuse designed to make me feel powerless and desperate. To counteract this, I’ve learned to document everything. I insist on written communication to create a paper trail and involve legal counsel when necessary.
“Stonewalling is considered a type of psychologically abusive behavior, and it often falls under the passive-aggressive category. It involves entirely shutting down emotionally during conflicts or difficult discussions, leaving the other person feeling unheard, invalidated, and worthless.” (Drescher, 2024)
2. Threats and Demands: When I do manage to get a response from him, it’s often in the form of a threat. If I don’t comply with his demands—whether they’re related to visitation, travelling, decision-making, or finances—he escalates the situation. He’s threatened to take legal action, calling the authorities, keeping the kids from me, or to manipulate them against me. These threats are constant reminders that he’s still trying to assert control over my life, using fear as his weapon of choice.
This cycle of stonewalling and threats leaves me feeling trapped, as if any wrong move will have disastrous consequences. It’s important to set boundaries in these situations, although it’s easier said than done when dealing with a narcissist. I’ve sought legal advice to ensure I understand my rights and what steps I can take to protect myself and my children from his manipulations.
“As a narcissist, your spouse will look to manipulate the situation any way they can. They might even be smart enough to fool lawyers and other professionals.” (Skillern)
3. Isolating the Children: One of the most painful things I’ve experienced is how my ex-husband isolates our kids from me. He controls when and how I can see or speak to them, often refusing to allow regular contact. This tactic not only punishes me but also emotionally manipulates our children, creating a wedge between us. By isolating them, he attempts to reinforce the idea that he’s the more stable, preferable parent, while I’m the one who’s less involved.
It’s heartbreaking to see my children caught in the crossfire of their father’s manipulation, like when he made up stories about them being kidnapped while in my care. But despite the limited contact and constant personal attacks, my focus remains on keeping our relationship strong. I make every moment with them count, always reminding them how much they’re loved and that I’ll always be there for them.
“Narcissistic parental alienation syndrome, or parental alienation syndrome (PAS), occurs when one parent coercively tries to alienate their child from an otherwise loving parent. (Pedersen, 2022)”
4. Using the Children as Tools for Control: Narcissists see their children as extensions of themselves, which is why they use them to control and punish their ex. My ex-husband manipulates our kids by playing the “good parent”.
I’ve learned to stay patient, and as hard as it is, I avoid speaking negatively about him around the kids. I want them to come to their own conclusions, but I also make sure they know they can talk to me about anything, and that I’m always there for them no matter what.
The Emotional Toll of Narcissistic Abuse
The ongoing abuse from my ex-husband has left deep emotional scars. It’s not just about what he does—it’s the mental and emotional weight of dealing with these tactics day in and day out.
Here are some of the ways I’ve felt the impact of his narcissistic behavior:
1. Constant Anxiety – Every text message, email, or missed call from my ex sends a wave of anxiety through me. I’m always bracing for the next demand, the next threat, or the next moment of silence. This ongoing tension has left me feeling constantly on edge, never able to fully relax because I know another battle is just around the corner.
Managing this anxiety has been crucial to my well-being. I’ve found solace in therapy and learned coping mechanisms like meditation and deep breathing. Finding ways to ground myself in the moment helps ease the fear that comes with his manipulations.
2. Emotional Exhaustion – Co-parenting with a narcissist is utterly exhausting. It’s a daily fight to ensure my children aren’t caught in the middle of his games while still protecting my own mental health. I’m constantly walking on eggshells, anticipating his next move, trying to stay one step ahead. The emotional toll is immense, but I know I have to keep going for the sake of my children.
To avoid burnout, I’ve learned to prioritize self-care. I carve out time for myself to recharge—whether it’s spending time with supportive friends or simply taking a few moments of peace in my day. Small acts of self-care have been my lifeline in this draining situation.
3. Isolation and Loneliness – One of the worst parts of this journey has been the isolation my ex-husband creates. Not only does he isolate me from our children, but the emotional abuse makes me feel isolated from others as well. Narcissists thrive on making their victims feel alone and unsupported. Even after leaving, the loneliness of being misunderstood or judged can be overwhelming.
Rebuilding my support network has been essential in breaking the cycle of isolation. I’ve leaned on close friends, family, and survivor groups to remind myself that I’m not alone. Having people who understand and support me has been crucial in moving forward.
Steps Toward Healing
Healing from narcissistic abuse while co-parenting with a narcissist is a complex, long journey. But I’ve learned a few key things along the way:
Seek Legal Protection: If your ex is using stonewalling tactics or threatening you, don’t hesitate to seek legal protection. Having a clear custody agreement can help set boundaries and hold them accountable.
Document Everything: Keep records of every interaction. Written communication is crucial when dealing with a narcissist who will twist facts or deny agreements.
Prioritize Your Mental Health: Therapy and self-care have been my saving grace. Healing isn’t linear, but prioritizing your mental health will help you regain your sense of self and peace.
Strengthen Your Relationship with Your Children: Make every moment count. Remind them that you are there for them, even if your time together is limited.
Final Thoughts
Living through and beyond narcissistic abuse is a long, grueling journey, but it’s one that can be navigated with the right tools, support, and determination. While my ex-husband continues to use stonewalling, isolation, and threats to maintain control, I’m reclaiming my power one step at a time. Co-parenting with a narcissist is never easy, but you can survive it—and so can your kids. Healing is possible, and with it comes the hope of a brighter, healthier future for you and your children.
